Dissonance is a loud cacophony. Mismatched puzzle pieces all trying to make home in one system, in one body. Negative self talk, intrusive thoughts, sensations of discomfort. Like a hamster running to release unfettered pent-up energy, there is no beginning or end to dissonance, just an urgency that demands resolution or release. Take action and you will feel better. Talk to others and you will feel better. Go for a run and you will feel better. The central conceit to all this, of course, being I don’t like what I’m feeling. I want to feel something different.
Solange has always expressed it best:
I tried to drink it away
I tried to put one in the air
I tried to dance it away
I tried to change it with my hair
The recurring work, for me, has been allowing myself to sit still and do less. To under-stimulate. To be with myself and the feelings I make separate and claim to dislike. With sufficient patience and practice I can observe the grasping, the buzzing, the bottomless pit all melt away into self-knowledge. Things are no more certain than before, but In this place I make room for the groundedness of intuition.
My body’s knowing isn’t an endless stream of content. It’s not an intellectual discourse, trying to piece together the puzzle or construct a narrative. It is open water, roots in the ground, the warmth and hues of the setting sun. It’s the morning chirping of birds. Only from this peace and openness does insight arise.
The kind of insight that makes one want to say “I love you” and not look back on whether or not it was received. The kind that firmly plants you in a “no, I won’t tolerate that” without any guilt or remorse. The kind that doesn’t crave expression beyond the resonance I feel in my body. It tastes like freedom.
I hope each of you gets the chance to experience this.
So far I sense that this space has used a fraction of its potential. I’m going to try posting on here more frequently but with shorter pieces. Please continue to email me or leave comments as things resonate: it helps me get in touch with what to focus on :D.
As these posts become less personal and more ambitious in form, I’ve decided to run another newsletter (lol) that talks more directly about what I’m up to, where I’m traveling, and what work looks like for me these days.