what do i do with resistance?
it’s so easy to get distracted these days. i try everything - putting my phone on dnd, while turning wifi and cellular data off at the same time; going outside for a long walk with just a physical book; staying in bed for another 20m just so i can let the dreams sink in. but the stimulus is getting louder, and the deeper i go into my own inner world the discomfort and buried trauma is more intense.
my teacher says that the closer we get to the experience of death, the more intense our fear and resistance will be. i start to see resistance as a measure of how “big” the shadow thing is, and also how much healing is possible if i actually face it.
not that the point is to constantly fight resistance, though.
our blocks naturally melt when we enter into an environment that’s safe enough to feel the feeling. when it’s safe to be angry, i can feel the anger and move through it. when it’s safe to grieve, i can cry and discover what’s on the other side. at first, i searched for safety through retreats, practitioners, friends, deep conversations & slow-down moments, connection with trees, dancing with the ocean, beautiful songs.
as i grow up, though — and i am finally growing up — i am able to add “presence with myself” to the list. when a big feeling comes up, one of the first things i do is ask how might i hold you so i can understand what’s happening? what kind of safety do you need to express yourself?
last night, it was a deep sadness that i was struggling to comprehend. i released a couple of tears here and there, but ultimately the thing that opened me up happened while i dreamed.
this isn’t about that feeling, though. this is about learning to practice holding that my feelings are not about anyone else but me. the way i start to notice i’m in my old pattern is that i start to feel a ton of “fuck you” energy. fuck you to other people, fuck you to myself. on the compass of reactions, this fits the the attack other / self axis.
or my habituation towards distraction says “big feeling alert! where’s the video games? where’s the food? where’s the cuddles? go swipe on a dating app!” and grown up me has to notice that’s happening and remind all the other parts to slow it way down.
then i take five (or ten, or twenty). i notice all of the charge that’s been building up in my body, and find a way to release all that’s not mine back into the earth. sometimes i take the help of a nearby tree who’s agreed to this exchange.
and then, when the dust settles, i get to look at the part of it that’s more explicitly mine. and then, i get to take accountability for my own feelings, and if i did accidentally express some of those “fuck you”s then i get to share my accountability with other people, and ask for forgiveness or help or both.
i’m getting a lot of practice with this. and the thing about practice is that it just builds the muscle for me to take on bigger and bigger things. so, every so often i get hit with a sensation or emotion that makes no sense to me at all. and i get to decide if i’m going to stay, stay, stay.
i don’t always do it. hollow knight’s sequel just came out and video games have always been a delightful escape for me.
but the truth is, i’m obsessed with interiority: mine, yours, the world’s. it’s why i read so much fiction. it’s why i became a coach. so of course i have to know what’s really going on.
as my capacity grows, i see how my presence (whether we’re in session or not) provides that sense of safety for other people’s resistance to melt away. i’m learning not to judge it as much, anymore. by that, i mean: when it happens, it happens. it wasn’t meant to happen otherwise. i’m not a good coach just because my client worked through their resistance, and i’m not a bad friend if you don’t wanna share your deeper feelings with me.
things like this happen when we are ready to receive them. our bodies know how and when to heal.
at this stage, i’m just along for the ride.
if you or someone you know is interested to learn more about 1:1 coaching, to talk about healing trauma, or is also navigating ancestral emotions, let’s talk.